i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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