I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
