trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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