I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
