I murdered the dance floor call the cops
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
