i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
