I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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