I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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