Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm always down for nudity.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
