my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
