My first STD was from a foam party
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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