if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
