If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
