Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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