I got chris browned last night
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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