i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
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HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
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Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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