Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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