this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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