stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
