i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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