i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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