I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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