I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
