Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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