So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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