He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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