it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
