Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
