i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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