he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
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I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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