She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
