I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
