awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
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Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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