sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
