My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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