It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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