She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
