8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i've created a new STD.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
