youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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