I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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