new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
