He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
