My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
