I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
