I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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