uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
