I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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