Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
