I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
