Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
40s are totally the cure
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
