Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
