well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
love makes seman taste better
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
