How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
