I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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