I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
