I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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