Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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